Jokes in English for the ESL/EFL Classroom (2025)

Long Jokes

(This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. Itwas originally a bit in a Pink Panther movie).

A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper,"Does your dog bite?"
The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
Submitted by Rick Bell<!ricksbell@yahoo.com>

There were three restauraunts on the same block.One day one of them put up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in theCity."

The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger signwhich said "The Best Restaurant in the World."

On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign whichsaid "The Best Restaurant on this Block."
Submitted by Jim J. Johnson

A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to LondonZoo when his lorry breaks down on the motorway. The driver gets out ofthe cab and is looking at the engine when a second lorry driver stops infront of him and asks if he needs help. The penguins' driver explains thathe is taking the penguins to the zoo and asks if the other man would
take the penguins there. He agrees.
Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, whois still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry,and look happy.
"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shoutedthe first driver.
The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're goingto the cinema now."
(Present continuous / just for fun)
Submitted by Jeremy Hookway<!jhookway@fbm.hs_bremen.de>

One day a student was taking a very difficult essayexam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put theirpencils down and immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writingfurioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately hewould be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructortold him he would not take the test.

The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"

The prof said, "No and I don't care."

"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
Submitted by Mary Cobb Neighbors<!tesol@american.edu>

A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.

The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took anaisle
seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked herwhat
was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn'tsay
things to insult passengers."

"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give hima piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)

James was walking down the road one morning whenhe met his friend Danny.

"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand andnone on the other. Did you know?"

"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."

"The Weather forecast?"

"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it mightbe fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."

(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because thereis a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This jokehelps highlight the contrast implied.)
Submitted by Dick Tibbetts, Macau<!fshdt@umac.mo>

This worked fine with my level 200a on up.

A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailorand had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrotmostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it becametiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the bird's badwords embarrassed him very much.

As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"Thatlanguage must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook thebird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird cursedhim.

Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him intothe refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,theparrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and againthe bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened thedoor of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.

This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the doorand removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked upthe man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding veryfrightened:

"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"
Submitted by Peggy Datz<!pdatz@igc.org>I think this joke is funny and so far, all of my intermediateto advanced ESL classes have agreed with me.

A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
The bartender says "What can I get you?"
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
No, I'm afraid we don't.
And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.

The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops upon a bar stool.
Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Lookbuddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?

The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.

The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasseswhen he hears a familiar voice
Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
The bartender is really ticked off.
Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday askingfor grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see yourlittle ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feetof yours to the floor. GOT me pal?

And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.

The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walksup to the bartender and the bartender says,
"What the heck do YOU want?"
Umm. do you have any nails?
What!? OF course not.
Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

----
I taught my students waddle, webbed feet but you could teach What theheck do you want, pal, barkeep, bartender, etc

It is also good to review "any"

A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's.The vet looks at the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examiningroom. In the examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets thecat walk all over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.

The doctor say "Your dog is dead."

The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.

"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.

"What! $325? How's that possible?"

"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."

NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.
Submitted by Christine MacBrien (as told to her by herbrother Dave in Toronto<!macbrien@flevonet.nl>The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday.Soon they began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii."One student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other studentsaid it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.

Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which wascorrect. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right wasvery happy, and thanked the old man.

The old man said "you're velcome."
Submitted by: Brian Madden<!brianmelssm@hotmail.com>

Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out ofthe rest room with a marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressionsand graffitti written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Directorof the school called the teacher into the office and told the teacher thatit was terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teachersaid that he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacherdid was to correct the grammar.
Submitted by: Brian Madden<!brianmelssm@hotmail.com>

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." saidthe boy.

"Why not, son?"

"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and wehad chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of thepigs died and we had roast pork the next day."

"But why don't you want to go today?"

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"<!olk@olk.co.kr>

A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passedby a 3-legged chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minuteslater the chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The mantried to catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followedit into a farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer andtold him the story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer saidthat he, his wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-leggedchickens.

"What do they taste like?" asked the man.

"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"
Submitted by: Alastair Rice<!alastair_rice@hotmail.com>

This one will perhaps only be good for your moreadvanced students.

A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barmanrefuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likesof you. Get out!'

The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the roadand then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to oneof the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' thepiece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comband fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.

'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into thebar and immediately orders a drink again.

The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece ofstring that was in here a moment ago?'

'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'
Submitted by: Catherine<!clogie@marlins.co.uk>Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special fortheir elderly mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a hugehouse. The second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The thirdbrother remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, butcouldn't see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot thatcould recite any verse from the Bible on demand.

Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The firstson's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only livein a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The secondson got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardlyuse the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!"The third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what yourmother loves! The chicken was delicious!"

Teaching Notes: We previewed some of the vocabulary, such aslimousine, trained, delicious, and gave a printed copy of the joke to thestudents as part of a reading activity. We knew they were finished whenthey started chuckling. If the reference to the Bible would be inappropriatefor your class, you might adapt the joke by substituting "the classics")
Submitted by: Eve Ross<!eve@byu.edu>

George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt.This parrot was a very nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made funof George, so he took the parrot and put it in the freezer.

The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.

George thought to himself, "On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."

He opened the door and saw the bird alive!

The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.

George said, "Why the change?"

The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.

(HInt: He saw the frozen chicken.)
Submitted by Erin McCluskey

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had onlya few weeks left to live.
He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad newsshe said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy,tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchencabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and yousaid you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now thatI'm about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what'sin that secret box of yours?"

The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained$100,000 and three eggs.

"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.

"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad Iput an egg in the box."

Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeingonly three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud abouthimself and it warmed his soul.

"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.

"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozeneggs in the box, I ..sold them."

Submitted by Tim Allen, Switzerland<!teachertim@gmx.net>

A man goes out of prison after twenty years. Hedecides to go back to the neighbourhood where he lived. When he gets therehe cannot recognize the place. Everything has changed a lot. The placeshe used to visit have all disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared.Heis very tired and would like to have something to eat. He goes into a smallcafé and has a coffee and a sandwich.When he takes out his wallethe finds a shoemaker ticket in it. He then remembers that the last thinghe had done before being arrested was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's.He decides to go there and try. What a wondeful thing! The shoemaker isstill at the same place. He gets into the shop and tells the shoemakerthat about twenty years before he had left him a pair of shoes to havethem repaired. The shoemaker has a look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Comeback tomorrow. They will be ready then." Some things never change.
Submitted by Christine MAZEAU<!Christin@ctv.es>

I was once told by a Japanese student that thisis an old story.

One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipedewere sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so theydecided one of them should go out for more beer.

The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper,this is your neighborhood so you know where to go."

The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shakeup the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."

So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explainedhow to get to the nearest liquor store.

An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so thesnail and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sittingthere putting on his shoes.
Submitted by Rodney A. Hoiseth - Roth Corporation<!roth@gol.com>

This joke never fails to get a laugh.
A man slow witted man walked into a pattent office. He walked up tothe patent officer and said, "Hey, I've got a new idea for a mouse trap."(Draw a box on the blackboard.)
"Here's the box." (Draw a hole in the box.) "Here's the hole." (Drawa circle in the bottom of the hole) "Here's the cheese." (Draw a line acrossthe hole in the box.) "Here's the blade. The mouse sticks his head in theholeto get the cheese, the blade drops on his neck and kills him."

The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the manis a little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that hedoes not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man,"Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it anothertime." The slow witted man says thank you and leaves the office.

One week later the slow witted man shows up again. (Draw the exact sameexample on the board in exactly the same way.) The slow witted man says,"This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is thewire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wirewraps around his neck and kills him."

The patent officer, still trying to be kind, makes the same excuse asbefore. The slow witted man leaves.

One week later the slow witted man returns. He approaches the same pattentofficer and says, (The exact same things)
"Here's the box. Here's the hole. (This time he draws a zig-zag lineacross the hole and he does not draw a circle for the cheese.) After completingthe zig-zag line, the slow witted man proclaims, "and here's the saw blade."

The patent officer notices the design and the fact that that ther isno cheese. He asks the slow witted man, "Where's the cheese." "Ah-ha,"says the slow witted man.
"That's the point. The mouse sticks his head in the hole
and says," "Where did you put the cheese."

(When the mouse speeks you must act like the mouse. Stick your headout as if looking into the trap and swing it back and forth as if lookingfor the cheese.)

The implication is that the mouse will saw off his own head while lookingfor the cheese. Remember the saw blade?
Submitted by Karl Hartman<!Karla@ppp.kornet.nm.kr.>

An American lawyer invited a Czechoslovakianfriend to stay with him in his mountain cabin. Early in the morning, thelawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend went out to pick berries for theirmorning breakfast. As they were picking blueberries, along came two bigBears - a male and a female.

The lawyer, seeing the two bears, climbed a tree.

His friend wasn't so lucky and the male bear caught him and swallowedhim whole.

The lawyer drove his car to town as fast has he could to get a policeman.The policeman took his gun and ran to the berry patch with the lawyer.

Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" saidthe lawyer, pointing to the male.

The policeman looked at the bears, took careful aim with his gun, andSHOT THE FEMALE.

"What did you do that for!" shouted the lawyer, "I said he was in theother bear!"

"Exactly," answered the policeman. "Would YOU believe a lawyer who toldyou that the Czech was in the Male?"

(The check is in the mail.)
Submitted by Bonnie P.A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.
The head monk said, "You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years."
The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"Food cold!" the man replied.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said "What are your two words?"
"Robe dirty!" the man exclaimed.
Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, "What are your two words?"
"I quit!" said the man.
"Well, the head monk replied, I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!"

Submitted by Bonnie P<!becky@wxs.nl"@wxs.nl>

There was a man who has two dogs, named 'commonsense'and 'trouble'. He always brought his dogs to the park every evening. Oneday, he only brought 'trouble' to the park, and left 'commonsense' at home.while the man was so happy playing 'frisbee' with his friends, 'commonsense'disappeared. The man was so sad and panicky. He looked for his dog everywherebut could not find it. A lady realised it and asked the man, "What areyou looking for?". The man replied "I'm looking for 'trouble'...". "pardon..",said the lady. The man replied in a higher tone "I am looking for 'TROUBLE'".The lady was annoyed and asked "Where's your COMMONSENSE?". The man whosemind was only about his dogs, answered "At home..."
Submitted by iena. smuc.ac.uk<!arrdeen@yahoo.com>

An architect was very famous because he alwaysordered exactly enough materials for every building he built. He was verypopular because he could build buildings at the lowest possible cost.
After ten years of perfect building, one of his men came to him whenthey had finished a 40 story building. "I have bad news," the man said"because we have one brick left over!" "Oh no!" the architect exclaimed,"My ten year perfection record is broken!"
Do you know what he did with the brick?
He threw it away!
Submitted by Walter Lowe<!bluechip@gr.cc.wa.us>

When a very tired man got on a crowded bus oneafternoon, he could not find an empty seat. A small dog was sitting onone seat, so he asked the lady with the dog to put the dog on her lap.The lady refused and they got into a big argument. Finally, the driverstopped the bus and told the lady to put the dog on her lap.
When the man sat down, he took a pickle out of his pocket and begannoisly sucking on it. When the lady told him the sound and smell was irritating,he told her she should have thought about being nice when he had askedher to move the dog. They began another argument and the lady threw thepickle out the window. The man then threw the dog out the window. Justthen the bus stopped and the dog got in line to get back on. Guess whatthe dog had in its mouth?
---The brick!
Submitted by Walter Lowe<!bluechip@gr.cc.wa.us>A panda bear walks into a restaurant. He orders the specialand eats it. After eating, he pulls out a pistol, kills the waiter andstarts to walk out the door.

The owner of the restaurant says, "Hey, what are you doing? You comein here, you kill my waiter and walk away without saying a word. I don'tunderstand."

The panda says, "Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out the door.

So the owner gets out a dictionary and looks under the heading "Panda".It reads:

panda black and white animal; lives in central China;eats shoots and leaves.